When I unmask, who actually am I?

I spent most of my life never truly feeling like I fitted in. From an early age, I felt pressure to be like everyone else and was terrified that if I showed my authentic self, I would be labelled as weird, lazy or boring.  From as early as I can remember, I felt like I was either too much or not enough. I often struggled with executive functions, such as task initiation, emotional regulation and time management and I saw many of my traits as character flaws. I learned to mask early on, trying to become someone I thought others, (and myself), would like and accept.

For many of us with ADHD, masking becomes second nature from an early age. We learn to play the role of the sociable, confident person, while inside we are anxious, overthinking, and exhausted. I worked hard to conceal how naturally anxious I was, hiding my worries, my poor working memory, my reliance on routines, and the effort it took to keep up with others. I built strategies and frameworks that helped me get through each day, at least to a point. When I finally received my ADHD diagnosis I felt that at last I had an explanation for the struggles that had been with me all my life. Yet the diagnosis instead opened the door to a different challenge, which was figuring out who I really was beneath all that masking.

Unmasking is far from straightforward. After decades of moulding myself to fit in and please others, it took time to begin peeling back the layers and rediscovering who I really was. I started to embrace the freedom of saying no to things I had never truly enjoyed, such as noisy pubs, busy restaurants, or large social gatherings. Instead of cramming every day full of things to do, I began to pause, reflect, and lean into what I, and those closest to me, genuinely wanted and needed. Learning that it was okay to stop and consider my priorities felt liberating. Still, the question lingered: if I showed up as my authentic self, would people laugh, judge, or quietly drift away? To my surprise, the more honest I became, the more people responded with, “I feel the same way.” Giving myself permission to be authentic allowed me to trust my own judgement and realise that the right people in your life do stick around.

Just as I began this process of self-discovery, perimenopause arrived, making my ADHD symptoms worse than ever. My memory faltered, my sleep was disrupted, and my rejection sensitivity, anxiety and emotions intensified. It felt like my ADHD had gone into overdrive, just as I was trying to rediscover myself.

Perimenopause, and perhaps simply getting older, brought something unexpected: a realisation that I cared less about what others thought. This shift made unmasking feel easier. Even so, challenges remained, particularly when I saw the judgement or lack of understanding on people’s faces if I mentioned my ADHD, which could still feel painful. The gift of diagnosis is the chance to reclaim who we are. To recognise our strengths as well as our struggles. To live more authentically, instead of chasing expectations that were never designed for us. This is not a straight path. There are still days of empowerment and days of exhaustion, but slowly, piece by piece, we rediscover ourselves. While perimenopause complicates things, it can also strip away some of the pressure to please others.

Unmasking takes courage, and it isn’t always safe with everyone. Some people will still judge or misunderstand us. Learning who we can unmask around is part of protecting ourselves. Start gently with those you trust, those who you know categorically accept and love you for who you are.

If you are late diagnosed, in perimenopause, or both, please know you are not alone. There are many of us walking this path together. It can take courage, patience, and self-compassion, but in time you can feel more grounded, genuine, and connected to your true self than ever before.