The grief that can arise when looking back over your life after receiving a late ADHD diagnosis
Finally receiving an ADHD diagnosis can be life-changing. At first, there is relief. A lifetime of struggles suddenly makes sense. There is hope that things can move forward with more clarity and understanding. I really thought that this would be the big, new, shiny beginning to the rest of my life where everything slotted into place and made sense.
But a huge curve ball hit me not long after my diagnosis, and that relief was quickly followed by something heavier: grief for my past life.
An ADHD diagnosis often brings a new lens through which to view the past. With hindsight, the struggles, failures, and regretful decisions suddenly have context. Sadly the clarity of a diagnosis can also bring sadness and regret for everything that could have been different:
Careers never pursued because self-doubt held you back
Relationships strained or lost under misunderstandings and emotional dysregulation
Years of not knowing why we had always felt we were too much or not enough
Misdiagnoses of anxiety or depression (which are often co-existing conditions alongside neurodivergence), and treatments that never quite helped
Burnout and exhaustion that might have been eased with earlier recognition and support
Invalidation from others, (and yourself), who see you as lazy, stupid or needing to try harder to be someone who you aren’t.
Looking back can feel devastating. It is common to grieve not only for the years that feel wasted, but also for the person you might have been, the version of yourself who could have flourished with earlier support.
For women in perimenopause or menopause, this grief can feel even more layered. Hormonal changes often intensify ADHD traits such as inattention, memory lapses, emotional dysregulation, and poor sleep. These are also hallmark symptoms of perimenopause and menopause, which means the overlap can be confusing and overwhelming.
Research highlights this interaction:
Declining oestrogen and progesterone during perimenopause and menopause make ADHD symptoms more severe (de Lacy and Hosenbocus, 2021).
Menopausal difficulties such as poor sleep, memory and concentration problems, and emotional strain increase in line with ADHD severity (King’s College London, 2025).
Late-diagnosed women with ADHD frequently report major impacts on wellbeing, relationships, and self-perception, before eventually finding self-acceptance (Young et al., 2023).
These hormonal shifts don’t just worsen symptoms, they often bring a tipping point. The strategies that once worked, such as masking or overcompensating, may suddenly fail or become exhausting. This forces reflection and often magnifies grief.
This combination of hormonal change and late diagnosis often leaves women questioning not only their past but also their present identity. The sense of “who am I really?” can feel raw, especially when old coping strategies no longer work. Many women describe a deep disorientation at this stage: grieving the version of themselves they never had the chance to be, while also trying to make sense of who they are now.
It can be worth exploring supports that target both ADHD and perimenopause. For some, this may include ADHD medication, hormone replacement therapy, or ADHD specific, neuro-affirming therapeutic and coaching support.
It is natural, and healthy, to grieve the years, opportunities, and relationships lost. But a diagnosis also brings something powerful: the chance to reclaim the narrative.
This stage of life can be about:
Choosing supports and treatments that finally fit your needs
Building self-compassion and rejecting old narratives of failure
Redefining what success means to you now
Discovering strengths that were long hidden under masking
Living more authentically, with clarity and purpose
The grief may not vanish quickly, but it can sit alongside a new perspective. What has been lost is real. But what lies ahead can be meaningful, authentic, and richer.
References
de Lacy, C. and Hosenbocus, S. (2021) ‘The impact of hormones on ADHD in women across the lifespan’, Journal of Psychiatry & Neuroscience, 46(5), pp. 341–349. doi:10.1503/jpn.210102.
King’s College London (2025) Menopausal difficulties increase in line with the severity of ADHD symptoms. Available at: https://www.kcl.ac.uk/news/menopausal-difficulties-increase-in-line-with-the-severity-of-adhd-symptoms (Accessed: 21 September 2025).
Trinity Health Michigan (n.d.) Ask the Doc: Females, ADHD and Perimenopause/Menopause. Available at: https://www.trinityhealthmichigan.org/blog-articles/ask-doc-females-adhd-perimenopausemenopause (Accessed: 21 September 2025).
Young, S., Bramham, J. and Gudjonsson, G. (2023) ‘Miss diagnosis: A systematic review of ADHD in adult women’, Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 1160780. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1160780.