The heartbreak of the boundary-setter – through an ADHD lens

In conversations about mental health, self-care, and personal growth, we often talk about the guilt that comes with setting boundaries—especially when those boundaries impact people we love.

But what we speak about far less is the heartbreak of being the one setting the boundary.

And I don’t just mean guilt, or a sympathetic ache for someone else’s pain. I mean the deep, raw grief: mourning the closeness you once had, letting go of the version of a relationship you hoped could still be possible, or accepting that love isn’t enough to sustain a dynamic that’s no longer safe or healthy.

For those of us with ADHD—especially those diagnosed later in life, or navigating perimenopause—this heartbreak can feel even more layered.

Many of us have spent years trying to fit in and keep the peace, often masking our true needs. We’ve been the people-pleasers, the emotional caretakers, the ones bending over backwards to avoid disappointing others—particularly when rejection feels unbearable.

So when we finally draw a boundary, it’s rarely a sudden act. It’s often the result of years of trying. Of hoping. Of minimising ourselves to make it work.

And when we do say, “I can’t keep doing this”, the grief can be immense.

When part of you wants connection, and part of you needs protection

In ADHD coaching sessions, this inner conflict comes up often. Clients find themselves torn between needing to preserve their energy and craving connection.

“I love this person, but I feel anxious and depleted every time we speak.”

“I wish things could be different. But I’m not okay anymore.”

That push and pull is exhausting.

And because ADHD can heighten our emotional responses, we often feel these contradictions more intensely than others might. We swing between confidence and self-doubt in a matter of moments. We overthink. We spiral. We wonder if we’re being too much—or not enough.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) adds another painful layer. Even if a boundary is necessary, the fear of upsetting someone or being misunderstood can feel like too high a price.

This is where ADHD coaching can offer gentle guidance and support.

Coaching creates a space where your needs can take centre stage. Where you can unpick the guilt and rebuild your self-trust. It’s where you can learn that protecting your wellbeing is not selfish—it’s a form of self-respect.

Boundaries aren't cold—they’re courageous

You might be creating distance from a loved one because every conversation leaves you feeling emotionally exhausted. Not out of spite, but because your nervous system is overstretched.

You might walk away from a relationship, even though you still love them—because staying would mean slowly losing yourself.

You might be saying no to invitations and commitments, not because you don’t care, but because burnout, hormonal changes, parenting, or ADHD symptoms mean you simply can’t manage them anymore.

Others may not understand. And that misunderstanding can ache.

But that doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing.

The invisible grief of the ADHD boundary-setter

There’s something we don’t always voice:

“I care about you. I wish this was easier. I didn’t want it to be this way.”

But because we’re the one stepping away, the world assumes we’re fine. That we’re the strong one. That we made the choice, so we must be okay with it.

But often, we’re grieving too.

We’re grieving what could have been. We’re carrying guilt, even when we know it’s not justified. We’re hoping for understanding. We’re holding space for our own needs—perhaps for the first time ever.

And that’s hard. It’s tender. It’s human.

What can help

Let the heartbroken part of you speak
What does it miss? What did it long for? What does it need from you now?

Remember you're not alone
Many people with ADHD struggle with boundaries. Especially those who have spent years masking or putting others first. Your grief is shared. Your experience is valid.

Soften the emotional waves with your logical voice
Remind yourself why you needed the boundary in the first place. That clarity can help ground you when emotions feel overwhelming. ADHD coaching can support this balance between emotional honesty and practical thinking.

Treat yourself with kindness
If a friend were in your situation, how would you respond? Offer yourself the same care, softness, and understanding.

Reach out for support
You don’t have to carry this alone. Whether through coaching, therapy, or trusted relationships, being able to speak your truth and be held in it can be a lifeline.

In summary

Setting boundaries isn’t always an empowering milestone. Sometimes it’s a quiet, painful reckoning. A recognition that love isn’t always enough. That hope, by itself, can’t mend a harmful dynamic. That your wellbeing matters—even when choosing it comes at a cost.

If you’re grieving after setting a boundary, especially as someone with ADHD, know that you are not broken. You are honouring your needs. You are growing.

And even if it hurts—you are allowed to grieve.

You are allowed to feel everything. And you are still allowed to choose you.

If you’re navigating these complex emotions and would like support untangling the guilt, overwhelm, and heartbreak that can come with boundary-setting, ADHD coaching offers a compassionate space to begin.