ADHD, friendships, and the painful loneliness that so many women never talk about
Friendships are often portrayed as something that should come naturally, especially for women. You only need to look at social media to see how strong that message is. Your feed is full of women spending weekends away with their lifelong friendship groups, celebrating milestones together, and sharing photos with the same mates they have had since school. There are posts about tight knit circles, shared history, loyalty, and ease.
When you have not had that experience, it can be incredibly hard to see. For many women with ADHD, particularly those who were late diagnosed, these posts can highlight a loneliness that already sits quietly under the surface. You watch these moments from the outside and wonder how people manage to maintain friendships so effortlessly. You wonder why connection has never felt that simple for you, and why your own social world looks so different.
Friendships and connections with others has always been one of the most challenging parts of my own life. For years I felt like I was hovering on the edges of other people’s lives rather than being fully part of them. I could see friendships forming around me but I never quite knew how to join in or how to stay connected without feeling overwhelmed. I often felt out of sync with the people around me, unsure of how I was coming across and unsure of how to be myself without worrying about it afterwards.
Before I understood that I had ADHD, I genuinely believed this was a serious character flaw. I couldn’t understand why friendships felt so intense and yet so fragile and why they appeared so easy for others. I ruminated over conversations long after they happened, I worried about whether I had said too much or too little. I struggled with knowing when to reach out, when to step back, or how to build relationships with others. It was exhausting and it left me feeling increasingly isolated.
Once I learned more about ADHD in women, and once I began working closely with other women with ADHD, everything finally made sense and started to feel a little easier.
Why women with ADHD often struggle with friendships
ADHD affects many of the social skills that are usually taken for granted.
Reading social cues can be difficult, so conversations can feel confusing. Switching attention in busy environments takes effort. Emotional regulation is harder, so small interactions sometimes feel bigger than they are. Executive functioning affects things like replying to messages, arranging plans, or maintaining regular contact. These difficulties are not about not caring. They are part of the ADHD experience for many women.
And then there is RSD. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria can magnify anything that feels even slightly uncertain. A pause in a message, a change in tone, or a cancelled plan can trigger a deep sense of rejection. You want connection, but the fear of being hurt makes you pull away. This push and pull creates a pattern that feels painful and confusing.
How perimenopause intensifies these challenges
Many women only recognise these patterns in midlife. Hormonal changes during perimenopause can intensify ADHD symptoms, increase emotional sensitivity, and heighten feelings of overwhelm. For women who were never diagnosed earlier in life, this is often the point where friendship difficulties start to feel unmanageable. It is also when many finally explore whether ADHD has been present all along.
Understanding how ADHD and hormones interact can be life changing because it explains so much that previously felt personal.
What support can look like
There is no quick fix, but support doesn’t need to be complicated. It starts with understanding your own patterns and recognising that these difficulties are rooted in ADHD, not in personal failure. It involves naming RSD when it appears, which helps create a pause between what you feel and how you react. It includes building self compassion and finding relationships where you do not feel the need to mask.
Support like ADHD coaching can help women understand why friendships feel difficult and explore ways of building connections that feel safer and more sustainable. When you work with your neurodivergence instead of trying to hide it, the entire landscape of relationships becomes less overwhelming.
You are not alone
One of the most powerful parts of working with women who are late diagnosed or just beginning to recognise their ADHD is hearing the same experiences echoed through so many different stories, creating a shared understanding that often feels both comforting and heartbreaking. There is the familiar sense of standing slightly on the outside, the confusion that comes with trying to maintain friendships, and the quiet ache of wanting closeness while feeling unsure how to reach it. If this reflects your experience, it is valid and it is understood. You are not failing at friendships, you are not difficult, and you are not lacking. You are a woman with ADHD trying to navigate a social world that was never designed with your brain in mind, and once that becomes clear, connection starts to feel more possible, more grounded, and far less painful.